Dialog 1

Assignment: Journal dialog between healthy self and eating disordered self.

Eating disordered self (E.D.): You got your feelings hurt the other day so you should hide food to make yourself feel better.

Healthy self (H.S.): No I shouldn’t. I can’t be hiding food if I want to go to [the step-down house].

E.D.: You don’t have to tell anyone. Besides, if you hide food you can get back at the person who hurt you. They could get in trouble for not watching more carefully.

H.S.: I don’t want to get anyone in trouble, and no one would even know I did it unless I told. If I hide food, that doesn’t affect the other person at all. They go on living their life oblivious to what I did. I’d only be hurting myself.

E.D.: But if you hide food you’d feel so much better. It gives you a sense of accomplishment and makes you feel skillful because you can get away with it so easily. That would be so much better than feeling sad and hurt like you do now.

H.S.: Should you really get a sense of accomplishment from something that comes so easy to you? Isn’t self-discipline about doing something hard? If that’s the case, then not hiding food would be real self-discipline, because that’s what’s hard for you. And anyway, I don’t have to feel hurt. I could go to the person and tell them they hurt my feelings. I’m sure they have no idea they did.

E.D.: If you tell the person what they did, that will make them feel bad, which will just make you feel even worse.

H.S.: It might be hard at first, but in the end you’ll be able to get everything resolved without hurting yourself. Hiding food will only make people not trust you. You don’t want that. Choosing to not use your eating disorder behaviors is a step forward in recovery.

E.D.: What if you don’t want recovery? Your eating disorder gets you attention. Having to go up to people to tell them they hurt you is scary and hard. It’s so much easier to just keep the pain to yourself. And if you hide food, that gives you an excuse to start a conversation with someone to talk about what’s really bothering you. That’s how you get attention.

H.S.: There are other ways to get my needs met besides hiding food. All I have to do is allow myself to be vulnerable and open with others. Sure it’s hard at first, but it just takes practice. The end result will get me just what I want – the satisfying feeling of being cared about without having to hurt myself.

All is Well

Praise God we re-stocked our favorite cereal yesterday. All is well with the world. When I go home I’m going to have the same breakfast every day for the rest of my life: Cracklin Oat Bran O’s mixed with cottage cheese and fruit on the side. Lately my morning fruit of choice has been cantaloupe with honeydew. The honeydew here is amazingly sweet. But anyway…

For our outing this week we were going to go miniature golfing, but now it’s supposed to rain on Sunday, so our plans may be up in the air. The weather changes so fast. Yesterday I was sweating, and this morning I was bundled up in my sweatshirt and shawl. Go figure.

Yesterday was another difficult food day. I’m portioning all my PM snacks now, which gives me more freedom. But with more freedom comes more temptation. If only I could get these freaking eating disorder thoughts out of my head. Then again a big part of me doesn’t want to let them go, because that means completely recovering and becoming a normal person. My healthy self has told my therapist these thoughts, so that gives me some protection, but it still doesn’t keep me from thinking.

Last night for Body and Soul group, we listened to a talk on cd by the poet David White. He mentioned something that the director of this treatment center talks a lot about. Sometimes the reason a person won’t recover from an eating disorder is because they come to the realization of how long they’ve been in exile. When they realize all that they’ve missed in life and how long they’ve been trapped, sometimes they can’t get past that and it keeps them from recovering. I never thought about that before. 

Today we got to go on a field trip for Cog/B. Woohoo. We drove over to the step-down house and took a tour. Nothing like driving around near the beach in a convertable with the top down on a warm day. The house was really nice with flowers growing everywhere outside. Very pretty. But after seeing it, now I don’t know what I’m going to do when I leave. Still to be determined. I guess there’s lots of time to decide.

It’s Hot

Whew it’s hot outside. I think it’s about 85 degrees out today. It was even too hot for me to sit outside in the sun, and I’m a big warm weather person. The beach should be beautiful on Saturday. Yesterday in contract group I was given my three 15-minute walks in addition to yoga, so now I get to walk when we go to the beach instead of sit in the sand.

Honestly I’m not sure how I feel about getting walks. I don’t know how to tell if I have enough energy because sometimes I still get tired after standing up for a long period of time. Then there’s the fact that I used to over-exercise. I used to walk every single day, rain or shine, so I don’t want walks to switch off something in my brain to trigger eating disorder thoughts. I guess the only way to find out is to try.

This coming weekend is family weekend, and almost everyone’s family is coming including mine. We’re going to have groups on Friday and Saturday plus individual family sessions, with one lunch and two snacks together. We’ve been planning for this for weeks now, so it ought to be quite an experience.

Today’s Menu

This morning I woke up to terrible news. We are out of Cracklin Oat Bran cereal. What a horrible start to the day. That’s one of the only foods I’ll admit to liking. All the other cereal choices on the menu are tasteless.

Here’s what I’ll be having today…

Breakfast:
-1 1/2 cup banana nut cheerios
-3/4 cup cottage cheese (mixed with the cereal)
-1 1/2 cups cantaloupe and honeydew

AM Snack:
-1 peach
-3/4 cup cottage cheese 

Lunch: Goat cheese salad
-1 1/2 cup mixed greens and veggies
-2 oz. goat cheese or shredded soy cheese
-1 tbsp. toasted pine nuts
-1 tbsp. balsamic vinaigrette
-1 roll

Afternoon snack:
-1/4 cup dried papaya
-1/2 cup vanilla soy yogurt 

Dinner: 
-1 cup bean chili
-1 large corn muffin
-1 cup mixed salad
-2 tbsp. sesame soy dressing
-3/4 cup chocolate milk 

PM Snack:
-1/3 cup dried pineapple
-1/8 cup almonds

It’s almost time for breakfast, so now I must go…

Speak Your Truth

Happy Saint Patrick’s Day! Any holiday here is a reason to celebrate. Last night for creativity group we made four leaf clovers and wrote four wishes on them. Today all our art is displayed in the front window of the dining room. Lovely. Our family room is also nicely arrayed in green decorations. 

Yesterday was a difficult day. I’ve had a lot to think about lately, and it was just really hard to eat all day. After dinner I had a talk with one of the staff members who I really like, and that helped some. She’s giving me an assignment this week that she said she was going to put on my contract – to speak my truth. I will leave you to think about what that means. For me, I know what it is. The hard part is doing it.

I can’t believe I’ve been here three weeks already. The days have been flying by. Most all of my free time is now spent in writing assignments. I got to level 2 last week, which gives me more privileges. I’m allowed to go in the kitchen now, and I started portioning three PM snacks for myself. That also means I get put into dishes rotation. At least it’s something to do. I’ll stay on level 2 until I reach my weight goal.

For our outing on Sunday we went to a beading place where we got to make jewelry. Talk about anxiety-provoking for those of us who have a hard time making decisions (!!). But I managed to find some pink and purple beads to make a bracelet with and am happy about how it turned out.

That’s all I have time for now. Today we’ll be going on yet another lunch outing. Sigh. I don’t think any of us look forward to Tuesdays. Ta-ta for now…

Frozen in Time

This morning we went to the beach for our weekly beach walk. It’s nice and sunny out today, but the air was cool earlier. I’m not allowed walks yet, so I sat on a blanket and watched the waves, like last week. We saw two dolphins swimming close to the sand, which was cool. Being at the beach reminds me of all the fun times my family and I have had there. It makes me sad that last year I didn’t even have the energy or desire to go. My ED has taken away so much. But that is why I’m here.

Saturday is movie night. Last week we watched The Visitor, which was good, and this week we’re going to watch The Changeling. It’s nice being able to relax on the couch at night with everyone after a long day. Tomorrow for our outing I think we’re going to go see Slumdog Millionaire. I don’t see movies often enough, so this is good for me. When I leave here I want to go to the movies more often.

Speaking of leaving, yesterday I had a session with my therapist and one of the things we talked about is how things will be different when I go back home. While I’m here, time has kind of frozen for me. Returning home is going to remind me of my old life and being sick. I don’t want that. So I’ve been thinking about things that will need to change.

Today in group this subject actually came up. When I go back home, I myself will have hopefully changed in a big way, but most everything else will be the same. So how do I keep from falling back into old thinking patterns when I’m not forced to turn those lies into truth, even when I don’t believe them? That’s something I need to think about while I’m here.

Thursday

It’s amazing how fast the weather changes here. Yesterday we had rain, and today it’s bright and sunny out. Warm weather always tends to put me in a good mood.

Yesterday I received a surprise package in the mail. My great aunt sent me a beautiful pink prayer shawl. Her church has a ministry where they make shawls for people and pray over them. That was so thoughtful. Mornings are cold here, so after breakfast I like to bundle up on the couch in front of the fire. I love receiving mail here. Packages are the best. It’s like the one bright spot in my day. *Hint hint family* (But just FYI, a staff member has to watch all packages being opened. Not letters, just packages.)

Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays are the busiest days of the week with lots of groups, meetings, and staff members coming in and out. So things should start calming down by today.

I feel like I haven’t been out of the house in a very long time. The last outing we had was on Sunday when we went to the mall to get our nails done. This week’s Friday night trip to CVS is looking pretty darn exciting.

TTFN.

New Privileges

Just another day here in paradise. Yesterday was a hard day for everyone. We had our dreaded lunch outing with the R.D. She took us to the restaurant La Salsa, and we all had to get burritos with either chicken or beans and either cheese or avocado (plus all the other stuff the burritos came with). We got our order to go and took it to the beach to eat. The setting was nice, but it didn’t make the food any easier to eat. After lunch we got gelato as our afternoon snack. Can you say overstuffed?

Once we got back to the house I had my session with the dietician. My meal plan got increased again to 100% of all meals and snacks. Peachy. 

Yesterday afternoon we had contract group, and I got moved up to level one, so I have new privileges now. Woohoo. My obs are reduced to one hour after meals, thirty minutes after snacks. I’m excited about that because it means I get to go upstairs and get ready for bed a half hour earlier than usual after PM snack. I also get all my sharps in my room now. You wouldn’t think that being able to have one’s own razor in her room would make a person so happy, but it does. Lol. That will make getting ready for the day a whole lot easier. Oh, and now I get yoga twice a week (but no walks yet).

Here’s what’s on my menu today…

Breakfast:
-1 piece toast
-3/4 cup Cracklin Oat Bran O’s cereal
-1/2 cup soy yogurt
-1/3 cup cottage cheese
-1/2 a large banana
(I mixed the cereal into the yogurt and cottage cheese)

AM Snack:
-2 graham cracker sheets
-2/3 cup plain soy milk

Lunch:
Chinese chicken salad with…
-4 oz. chicken
-2 tbsp. toasted cashews
-1+ cup mixed salad
-1 tbsp. Chinese dressing
-5 Ak-mak crackers

Afternoon Snack:
-2/3 cup (I think?) soy yogurt
-1/4 cup granola 

Dinner:
-Slice of spinach or zucchini frittata with salsa
-2/3 cup baby roasted potatoes
-1 orange

PM Snack:
-1/2 cup (I think?) cottage cheese
-1/4 cup (I think?) dried papaya (mixed together) 

That’s all for now…

Life at Inpatient

Hey everyone – how’s it going with you all? Here I am in treatment, and wow. What an experience. The first three days were overwhelming – having to get used to the schedule, the level system, groups, being on obs, and all the staff. But like everyone here has been saying, I started getting used to it by my fourth day. In some ways it’s gotten easier, but in others it’s much harder.

When I first got here, I was (and still am) on refeeding. We have three meals and three snacks per day, so I started out with 50% meals and 100% snacks (but I have to eat 100% of what I’m served). On Tuesday I met with the dietician, and she told me that plan would probably last a week. Well… on Friday my therapist told me they got a call from the R.D. and that my breakfasts and dinners were to be increased to 100% (lunch still at 50%). What?! Not fair. It hadn’t even been a week yet. Soooo, things are harder now. I’ve already cried multiple times in front of people. Great.

Let me tell you about our outings. Every Tuesday we go out to lunch at a restaurant with the R.D. Scary. On Fridays after dinner we go shopping at CVS. That’s convenient for when we run out of things we packed to bring here. During that trip we can either get a soda at CVS or coffee or tea from Starbucks. On Saturday mornings we go to the beach. Whoever is allowed to exercise gets to walk for 15/30 minutes. Yesterday I sat on a blanket with the other non-walkers, but it was still nice to sit in the sun and watch the waves. And finally, on Sunday afternoons we go on a “fun” outing. Today we’re getting our nails done. I’m getting a manicure.

Now onto the food – what you’ve all been wondering about, I’m sure! Here’s what I’m having today:

Breakfast:
-1/2 English muffin w/ 1 tsp. jam
-3/4 C. Cracklin Oat Bran cereal (the girls here love this kind) 
-3/4 C. cottage cheese (I mixed the cereal into it)
-1/2 a large banana

AM Snack:
-2 graham cracker sheets
-3/4 C. plain soy milk

Lunch (50% of what’s listed):
-1 pita
-4 oz. of tuna
-2 slices soy cheese
-1 cookie

Afternoon Snack:
-1 Cookie Dough Balance Bar (today’s AFT snack has to be portable since we’ll be on our outing)

Dinner:
-1 veggie burger
-1 whole wheat bun
-2 slices soy cheese
-1 C. salad with 2 tbsp. sesame soy dressing 

PM Snack:
-1/2 C. cottage cheese
-1/4 C. dried fruit (papaya – I mix it with the cottage cheese)

Most of the other girls have ice cream every night for their PM snack, but no way am I brave enough to tackle that fear food yet. Baby steps!

The house and grounds are beautiful  here, and the weather has been absolutely gorgeous. In the back of the house is a long patio with lots of places to sit, a garden, lots of flowers, bubbling fountains, blossoming pear trees, wooden swings to sit in, a pool, and hot tub. Such a peaceful setting. But as one of the staff members was telling me the other day, no one really cares what it looks like outside when you have to go through the torture that they put us through here. SO TRUE. Who cares that I got to go to the beach yesterday when all I could think about was my increased meal plan.

Well, that’s all I have time for now. Hopefully I’ll be able to update again soon…

Goodbye for Now

Is it ironic that my first day at treatment will be during National Eating Disorder Awareness Week?

Today is packing day, and I still have a few errands to run as well. This will probably be my last post until I get back, or at least for awhile. There will be a computer at the facility I’m going to, but I don’t know how often I’ll be able to use it. I’ll miss blogging and will try to update if I get the chance.

I’ll miss you all, and I hope you have a fabulous next couple months!