I am disappointed with myself. Tonight I was supposed to go to a recovery group. I woke up this morning with every intention of going. And I didn’t go. I hate myself. Anxiety got the better of me.
If I had to pick only one thing in the world I loathed, it would be groups. Social phobia. I cannot for the life of me speak up in a group. It’s terrifying to me. Totally irrational fear. I’m afraid of saying something embarrassing, afraid of everybody staring at me – all the eyes. So it took a lot for me to tell my therapist last week that I would go. I really meant it. Whatever is the hardest thing for us is what we have to conquer, right?
Somehow during the day today I managed to talk myself out of going. I worked till 4:30 so it would’ve been a long day. I over thought it too much. Next time I won’t think about it. I’ll just do it.
So I was listening to a song this morning by JJ Heller from her album Painted Red that totally speaks to this situation. We can’t live life alone always hiding from the world. Without relationships we’d waste away. Whatever fears we have, God has enough peace to cover them.
Next week I’m going. No excuses. I don’t want to live a life of regrets.
