There’s a bunny at the end of the bridge!

There he is…

A white egret…

If I had to pick only one thing in the world I loathed, it would be groups. Social phobia. I cannot for the life of me speak up in a group. It’s terrifying to me. Totally irrational fear. I’m afraid of saying something embarrassing, afraid of everybody staring at me – all the eyes. So it took a lot for me to tell my therapist last week that I would go. I really meant it. Whatever is the hardest thing for us is what we have to conquer, right?

Somehow during the day today I managed to talk myself out of going. I worked till 4:30 so it would’ve been a long day. I over thought it too much. Next time I won’t think about it. I’ll just do it.

So I was listening to a song this morning by JJ Heller from her album Painted Red that totally speaks to this situation. We can’t live life alone always hiding from the world. Without relationships we’d waste away. Whatever fears we have, God has enough peace to cover them.

Next week I’m going. No excuses. I don’t want to live a life of regrets.

I ran some errands in the meantime… beauty supply, dollar store, and bank. At least the morning wasn’t a total waste.

I’m typing this from my phone for the first time, so we’ll see how this turns out…

This is from a couple weeks ago (I was brave enough to ask someone to take my picture)…

So after my walk I drove over the canyon and through the woods to grandmothers house we go. Wait, I mean to a session with my therapist. It was productive. She has told me in the past that she always thought something really traumatic happened to me in my childhood because of the way I react in situations. I’m always saying “I feel bad.” I feel guilty for a lot of things that are not usually my fault. So this past week I FINALLY remembered something traumatic that I think shaped me into who I am today. So I shared it with her and now everything makes so much more sense.

After Sesh I went to the mall to cheer myself up. Got lunch at Panda Express…

On my way home I stopped at the grocery store and decided to get a bottle of coffee creamer (among other things). So tonight I had to try it. I drank a huge delicious cup that filled me with so much energy I went into a huge organizing spur. Go me.

Tomorrow I have an early client at my salon that I am SO excited for. I don’t know how I’m going to sleep tonight. What with all the coffee I drank and all. Wish me luck!

It’s hard to be a grown up and deal with the real world. But at the same time, it’s empowering. I can survive this life. I can handle anything that comes my way with God’s help. I almost signed a lease last week for a new studio apartment. I came THIS close. It was going to be perfect. Sadly it ended up not working out. Disappointing, but oh well. I’m not in a rush to move. Going to take my time looking around at what’s out there. Not much at the moment, but whatever.

I’ve been thinking about what my plan for today is. Going to go for a walk, maybe take a trip to Target. I got new pillows for my bed last week and they are heavenly. I haven’t bought anything for my apartment like that in awhile. I want to try to find some kitchen things, bowls, etc. Fun fun. Maybe I’ll do some deep cleaning today too. Who knows. This day is full of possibilities.

This is the day that the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it. This is the day. This is the day that the Loooord haaaas maaaade.

Morning coffee, mmm mm good…

Later this afternoon I’m going to go look at a studio for rent. I’ve been living in a studio for almost two years now. There are both good and bad things about where I am. I have an amazing view of the ocean and best surfing waters right outside my window. I’m literally right across the street from the beach. My room is a good size for a studio, and I have a pretty big closet. However, I don’t have a stove/oven, not much storage space in my bathroom, and loud traffic noise at all hours of the night and day.

So I’ve been keeping my eye out for other places for rent in the same area. Something that’s a little more affordable would be nice, especially for a new year with my new career. I’ll be building my clientele more and more, and I don’t want to be financially dependent on my parents. So I found a possibility and can’t wait to see it. Wish me luck!

Every Christmas Eve we spend with my dad’s side of the family. This year we’re going to my aunt’s house a couple hours away. I drove up here yesterday after work. It was a long day, got here late, but worth it to not have to be driving 8+ hours today.

Tomorrow morning we’ll get up early and open presents. Soooo exciting. It never gets old.

I wish you all a very merry Christmas!

This is what I wrote…Monday, April 20, 2009…

“The biggest lesson Patty wants me to learn is to be a seeker. She sees herself in me. She would want people to go to her just like I wish people would ask me how I’m doing when I’m having a bad day. It gave her validation. But she told me that people want to be seeked. It gives them the same good feeling inside.

The most important thing she wants me to take away from her is the idea of creating space. Patty got pregnant at the same time when her dad was very sick. She had to be in the hospital with him grieving while at the same time feeling joy about the baby inside her. What she did was create space to be able to experience each emotion separately – both the grief and the joy. She said I need to do the same thing. I can be afraid to go to Bella Mar and experience fear, but at the same time, experience excitement about going.

I need to create my safe place that I can think about and carry with me wherever I go. I can’t stay physically in the same place forever. But I can bring with me from Monte Nido the thoughts of how much I love Kelly and Patty, and all the good memories I’ve made. That can be my safe place.

Patty said that when I first got here, she would come to me and ask me how I was doing, but that after awhile she had to stop and let me come to her. If she had always been the one to initiate, what would that have taught me? Nothing. But now I’ve learned how to go to her when I need to talk. And she said when I do it makes her feel good.

Rejection and acceptance – I’m going to experience them both. Reaching out can be scary, but I have to take the risk. If people reject me, then it’s okay. I have to accept it. Maybe we weren’t the perfect match for each other. There’s no reward without risk.

Patty said she felt an instant connection with me on the very first day I got here. In the office on that day, she told staff, “I like her.” That doesn’t happen with everybody, but she felt it with me. Today she told me that I’m one of her favorites.

Patty said people want to be my friend. They like hearing what I have to say. She said “When you speak, it’s beautiful.”

I’ve drafted many a post in the past week, but didn’t know quite how to say what I want to say. I want to be honest about where I’m at, but I don’t want to cause worry. The point is, I went clothes shopping last week, and I’ve dropped a jeans size. That hasn’t happened to me since before I was in treatment. This whole past year has been good for the most part, eating-wise. Now all of a sudden things have gotten harder. But I am reaching out, and that’s important. Seeing my therapist again is a big help.

I’m afraid of the comments I’m going to get from people I know about how I look thinner. What do I say to them? On the one hand those comments make me feel good about myself and add fuel to the fire. On the other hand, they scare me. Most of the friends and coworkers I’ve met this past year don’t know I ever had anorexia. I hate telling people. I don’t think people understand it at all. I’m afraid they’ll be judgmental and worry about me. Having to lie about why I moved to Southern California doesn’t let me get as close to people as I wish I could. I’m hiding a huge part of my life. It sucks.

So I just wanted to put it out there that I’ve slipped a bit. Nothing major and I’m working on it. I don’t want this to put a damper on the Christmas season at all. I love Christmas, and I’m excited to see all my family when I go home. I want to focus on what this season is really about. God sent His son to earth as a baby to save me from my sinful nature that I might be in a close relationship with Him. How grateful I am.